The Gravity Gun

It arrived in the post last Tuesday. I hadn't gotten around to opening the parcel and using it because I was scared of exactly how awesome this thing was going to be. Turns out this Gravity Gun I ordered over the Internet is so awesome it'll make your socks explode.

The first thing I did with it was to pick up the postman. He didn't seem too happy about the whole thing though, so I switched the gun to "Repel" and sent him flying at a ridiculous velocity across the early morning rooftops of the sleepy suburb where I live. A few seconds later I heard a muffled crash. A car alarm went off. "The postman has landed", I thought to myself and headed back indoors.

The Gravity Gun is a marvellous thing. Invented by the creators of Half Life 2 and built in reality from a few pieces of string and some orange peel, it is capable of grasping an object firmly within its strong, directional gravitational field and then, if so desired, hurling said object many miles in a given direction.

It was almost 11am - around the time when I would head down to the local supermarket to pick up some bits and pieces for lunch. I stood up and decided that, in the pale light of my kitchen, the fridge would look better a couple of feet further left. I hoisted the Gravity Gun and gently picked up the fridge using my carefully harnessed gravitational field. Unfortunately, I had gotten confused with the shoddy labelling on the "Repel" and "Release" switches. After mistakenly pressing the "Repel" switch, I watched with a mixture of awe and disbelief as my fridge moved suddenly a few hundred feet or so east, taking with it several pieces of fridge shaped masonry from my house and the other houses in my neighbourhood which it had chosen to move through at an astounding speed.

Vaguely bewildered, I walked out of my back door towards the supermarket from which I was still determined to purchase various items, Gravity Gun still in my grasp. I noticed that someone had parked their car ever so slightly too far out in front of my drive. This would not be tolerated so, taking suggestions from my increasingly psychotic mind, I hoisted it into the air with the Gravity Gun and, unsure whether or not it was yet another genuine mistake or because I actually found it incredibly funny, pressed the "Repel" switch once again. I had been pointing the car skywards when I hit the switch so, with nary a sound, the vehicle hurtled into the atmosphere at a speed which I had now started to call "Close to a billion feet per three seconds" because, as I have already mentioned, this day was proving somewhat harmful to my mental wellbeing and I was becoming more psychotic with every passing second.

Laughing quietly to myself, I wandered into the supermarket. By this point, a couple of people had noticed my lunacy and had followed me discretely but, because I was slowly becoming a grade A mentalist, my ever-alert mind picked up on their treachery. I hurled myself around and aimed the Gravity Gun at them, picking them up with the merest of effort on my part.

"No!", they pleaded, "Leave us out of your lunacy, we have done nothing to upset you". One of them started crying but I, yes I, the King with the Big Awesome Gravity Gun heeded not their words of mercy, but hit once again the "Repel" switch that sent them spinning into what I think was the moon, but it could have been anything. I really wasn't thinking too clearly.

I turned upon my heel and announced to the supermarket that I was there to purchase some milk, some bread and some ham so I could make some sandwiches. I announced this last part about my intent to create sandwiches with a booming voice, so it would be extra clear. I decided that, since I was now an all powerful being who could perform herculean tasks with the flip of a switch, I had no need of the trivialities of daily life such as actually "walking round the supermarket". I aimed the gun at what I calculated to be the center of the store and thought about the milk, bread and ham that I wished to retrieve.

The gravitational field converged about a metre in front of the Gun and, since it was directional in nature, affected pretty much everything within twenty metres of the point where I was standing. Although this material probably contained milk, bread and ham, it also contained a lot of masonry, some shelving units, checkout staff, checkouts and a large portion of the rear wall which, I assume was a supporting structure. Experimental results, i.e. the ripping out of said wall with my Gravity Gun, proved me correct and the rear portion of the supermarket collapsed in upon itself.

I turned around to retreat from the carnage and reaslied that I still had contained within the confines of a gravitational prison, several tons of rock, metal, complaining employees and food produce. Having nothing better to do, I fired it in the direction of the sun, knowing full well that it wouldn't actually get there and instead fall upon the home of some poor ususpecting fool, and turned to face whatever challenge life would see fit to present me with next.