I've always had abysmal study and work habits ever since I can remember being in school. It's been several years since my first escapade into grade school, and not much has changed. Instead of becoming increasingly more fluent when studying over the years, I've become more and more proficient at procrastination. In fact, I've become so skillful that I can procrastinate without doing anything, I can procrastinate while staring at my textbook. During the most inopportune hours of the day, my mind will simply float away, far from the lonely textbook that lies agape dutifully in front of me. Far far away it will float, into the outer reaches of the universe, where my mind will entertain itself with a myriad of ideas, most of which will have about as much relevance to my current subject of study as religion is to civil law.
So today, I was on one of my ordinary forays into the sea of overstudying-induced hallucination when an extraordinary idea penetrated the opulence of ninja warriors and cats clouding my mind and came into focus. Brace yourselves, everyone, for I present to you, the power of the Freudian Analysis. Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like if there was someone out there who could harness the legendary powers of Sigmund Freud? Superheroes and manga heroes are always gifted with the powers inspired by ancient gods and deities, (i.e. Sailor Moon, Naruto, Ororo/Storm, etc.) It's about time we had a proprietor of power whom we can all relate to. There will be no more awe-inspiring elemental manipulation, no more potentially destructive powers such as super strength, speed, or animorphosis. The destructive potential of the Freudian Analysis will lie purely in the psyche.
The lucky inheritor of this cutting edge technique will be endowed with the super ability to analyze any situation and circumstance with a psychoanalytic touch. In public places such as the art gallery, it will be child's play for our hero to psychoanalyze all pieces of artwork within mere seconds. A spin can be placed on anything and everything to resemble all the different faces of dormant sexual desires. In practice, all of Georgia O'Keefe's flowers become barren and lonely vaginas decorated with garish, artificial colours, and Andy Warhol's Marilyn Monroe becomes a manifestation of his insecurity and fear of commitment due to his desires to bed a multitude of women, whom despite their differing complexion and skins, are all the same underneath. Our hero will have an infinite number of subjects for which to hone his talents, being the urban city-dweller that he is. But he must remember to never use his gift on himself or his loved ones, lest he cripples their psyche for all of eternity.
Once our gallant hero has mastered his powers of the Freudian Analysis, he will be ready to fight evil. Now our super psychoanalyst may suffer a deficit in STR and AGI, but his unrivaled INT and LUK will offset and compensate for his shortcomings. Skillfully and stealthily he will use his peerless intelligence to infiltrate corporate office buildings. Once he has entered enemy territories he will hunt down all of the company heads and CEO's: the proprietors behind evil advertisements, and false logical slogans such as "i'm lovin' it", and "embrace diversity". Then he will unleash his deadly techniques of the Freudian Analysis and mentally scar his enemies through immense psychological torture by convincing them that they have lived their lives wholly in effort to satisfy some (previously)unknown and inane sexual desires, and that these efforts have been in vain because they had become corrupted by power and can no longer accomplish their sexual dreams since the onset of old age, obesity, hair loss, and arthritis two dozen years ago. His enemies will become thoroughly dispirited and fall into utter depravity until they commit suicide.
Over and over again, I played the triumphant episodes of my psychoanalytic hero in my mind, as the corners of my mouth curved into a ridiculous grin and drool glossed over the edge of my lips. I remained in that absurd state for approximately fifteen minutes before my mind ascended from the outer galaxies and returned to Function Calls and Event Handlers. I'm going to need all the LUK I can get for my exam tomorrow.
