Secrets of the Sauce Industry Revealed!

I was surfing around deviantart today, hoping to kindle some kind of creative spirit for my visual arts assignment, when I came across this scandalous conspiracy, so shocking and disturbing i had to share it with all my readers (yes, all three of you);


Here is what the artist had to say on this fishy topic:

Ok ok ok ok ok... this is a scientific illustration based on the theory that all sauce comes from various breeds of sauce weasel. They just lay packets of sauce like chickens lay eggs. Each breed produces its own unique sauce and each has its characteristics. For instance the soy sauce weasel maintains a fully vegetarian diet. The elusive secret sauce weasel is in actuality a cross breed of a ketchup weasel and a salad dressing ferret. The American BBQ weasel is most active during summer and the Worcestershire weasel has a fondness for fish in its diet. The Mexican hot sauce breed is born with one of three temperaments: spicy, medium, and mild. So far the scientific community has scoffed at my theory... the fools. I suspect a cover-up that the sauce industry does not want exposed. -Gennady

I'd like to draw your attention to another aspect of this illustration, notice how there are exactly thirteen breeds of sauce weasels in this scientific sketch? That number corresponds with the amount of letters in the name "Sauce Industry". Convenient isn't it? And what kind of relationship does the scientific community share with the sauce industry?
I will refrain from further comments, and let you be the judge to this conspiracy.

This scientific sketch is done by the talented Gennady Babichenko, whose domain can be found on deviantart.

My Deepest Apologies, Mr. Rousseau

Dear Mr. Jean-Jacques Rousseau,

This is a bit embarrassing, but I must admit, I am having a lot of trouble reading your acclaimed Discourse on Inequality this evening, to my dismay. Now this may be because I've yet to have a full night's sleep thus far this weekend but instead had short sporadic naps throughout the day, or maybe it's the thick opaque fog that is currently clouding my mind from watching the Naruto movie earlier. Viewing this movie has resulted in the unfortunate side-effect of a heavy loss of brain cells, which is detrimental to my literary processing abilities. I apologize with the utmost sincerity, and I vow never to watch said movies again. For now, I will do what Sandie hasn't done for over seven years, and head to bed, before 10:00pm. I will rise two hours prior to my usual set time and resume my reading efforts then. Thank you for your understanding.

Sandie

Update! and an Instruction Manual

It seems that I have neglected to update my blog in awhile, and the longer I wait, the more I feel compelled to write something fantastic for my update; so I've decided, to write an in depth guide on how to be a pretentious visual arts major. Despite the sophistication implied by the title, it is a mere matter of dedication to achieve such a status.

Looking the Part
The most primary step in this lofty endeavor, is to assume the appropriate "look" of a pretentious art student. Here is a simple and foolproof rule-of-thumb for anyone who wishes to approximate the image of an artistic intellect: make yourself ugly. Because all artistic people know that the most valuable aspect of an individual is their personality and character, and not what's on the outside.
The most beautiful people around are often those with the lowest IQ, so it logically follows that ugly people must be intelligent. With this logic in mind, it makes perfect sense that the uglier and flashier your attire is, the greater your intellect and artistic abilities are.
Pick out items of clothing in cuts and colours that are least suited to your body type. If you want to be real edgy, dress as if you are from a different time period. Pick an era, and dress like how the hipsters did back then. You will show how artistic and intelligent you are by not succumbing to current social trends and following old ones instead.
Heed not to those who criticize your appearance, the harsher the criticism, the more confident you should feel about your intellect.


Feigning Intelligence
Now that you look smart and artsy on the outside, you must learn to talk like a pretentious artist. The first step to mastering the art of sounding like a thoughtful and ostentations snob is to become well versed in common social issues. Here are a couple of stellar examples that will never bore during a class discussion (nor will they ever get old):

• self-similarity in current social trends and how its bad


• people's reliance on technology in modern society and how its bad


• consumerism and money, and how they're bad


• celebrities, pop stars/rap stars and how they're bad


• makeup, and media defined beauty, and how they're bad

Note: Any permutations of the above list are acceptable.

Any understanding or insight as to why these hot topics are bad is redundant. All you need to know is that they are all bad, and that they affect you, the avant-garde artist negatively. In what ways and how? Again, those are merely trivial questions that are of no real concern. But if you are ever cornered with such irrelevant inquiries, simply talk about how each of these social issues squander individuality and personal freedom of expression.

Making Art
After you have memorized these social issues, and can recite them by rote memory, you are ready to make art. Make sure your art work addresses one of the afore mentioned topics. Your art must express the evils of < !--insert topic-- > and how it spoils individuality. This task is as easy as it sounds. You can express evil either by showing how sad and anguished people are when they are deprived of their individuality by painting/drawing/cutting out sad faces, or by using ominous symbols such as the colour black, red, black combined with red, or receipt paper to represent the lack of individuality. All are equally original.

If your art work does not look particularly appealing or pleasing, fret not. It is very easy to cover up your lack of artistic skills with concepts; that way, any and all flaws can be explained and excused.
Don't know the first thing about composition? No problem. An abysmally composed art piece with a lack of (or too many) focal points can easily be justified when it is an expression of how technology has messed with humanity and natural human behaviour. With such a concept, your art is no longer just an abysmally composed piece, it is an abysmally composed piece where the inane composition represents how modern technology confuses and distorts our ability to design aesthetically sound compositions.

Your human figure looks like a deformed hairless hyena with glasses? Simple. You were trying to portray how anguished humans are when deprived of their individuality that they become inhuman and turn into hyenas who wear glasses due to their blindness and detachment from reality.
When every imperfection in your art and your lack of skill is justified, there is no need to practice or improve your skills because you have mastered the skill of bullshitting.

Critiquing
Now that you are learned in creating innovative artwork that are sure to cause an impact on its viewers, you must learn to appreciate and critique the artwork of your peers. Rule of thumb in this instance would be to always have something to say, even when you have nothing to say. The last thing you want to do in an open critique session is to sound like an moronic asshole, or even worse, to be caught with nothing to say. Always comment, no matter how insubstantial, crass, or trite the comment is.
It's easy to find things to comment on, you can start by pointing out the obvious:
"I noticed that you used acrylic paint in this picture."

Or you can also point out an aspect of the artwork that you like:
"I like that you used acrylic paint in this picture."
"I like how you rendered the background/flowers/girl's face/airplanes in the picture."

To take commenting to the next level, some depth of discussion must be brought fourth. Introduce an idea relating to the previously mentioned stellar-social issues that the artist probably didn't intend, and force it onto the artwork you are viewing through an insignificant and obscure detail.
"I noticed that in the upper corner there, those brush strokes you used in the background switched back and fourth, it sort of represent how confused people are with their identities in today's society."
"I like how you used that little splatter of white paint there in a field of brown that was probably unintentional to represent how isolated individuals are in today's society where everyone is the same."

Once you have mastered all the essential skills to becoming a pretentious VISA major, you are well on your way to cruise in style through the visual arts program at your academic based university because you were not talented enough to be enrolled in any of the other programs, or to get into a real art school.

Pretentious idiots like that make me want to quit VISA programs for life.

Disclaimer: I seem to have lost my source for that Spam image, but I just want to make it clear that I didn't take that image.